Thursday, March 13, 2014

This, Finally, is What It's Come To

So this is what it’s come to. Via Joel over at The UltimateAnswer to Kings (a belly laugh, don’t you know?) I’ve come to learn about this man; a man who is putatively of the same species as the rest of us.  You know, the species that clawed its way to the top, to become the apex predator of every single ecosystem on planet Earth?  The one who kills African lions for the thrill of it, and who regularly catches and kills Great White Sharks because fuck Great White Sharks? 

“what did I do?”
 I’m going to guess that, based on the typical average biometrics of the American Male, that this guy weighed upwards of 150 pounds.  He has several millenia’s worth of knowledge about brute survival in the wilderness built into his genome, and the entire knowledge of mankind at his fingertips via the internet.  Mankind has developed so many unique ways to kill lesser animals that he had his pick of a myriad of different options, and I’m certain that even though he was “trapped” in his bedroom, that he could have easily fashioned a weapon that would have been at least damaging to his aggressor, if not lethal. 

Who, preytell, was his aggressor?  Was it a local hoodlum with a gun?  A sociopathic serial killer bent on savagery? 

"I like rape..."

A fucking housecat.  Yeah, yeah, a 22 pound Himalayan, which is a BIG housecat.  But still.  It was a goddamned puddy-tat that backed this apex predator into his kid’s bedroom and had him cowering behind a locked door while he waited for the police to come “save” him. 


A fully grown man can kill a housecat, even a big one, with one blow.  One stomp.  One swing of a curtain rod.  My ancestors did not fight and die to become the biggest, baddest, meanest motherfuckers on Earth so that a few generations later, a 22 pound puddy-tat could tree their offspring while he pissed himself with fear. 

“Hey, guys, you don’t have any idea how much trouble pussy can cause…
Oh, you mean like a pussy CAT?  Well, then, never mind”

To what state has man fallen? 

The kicker to this entire story, and the saddest part of the thing, is that after this cat attacked and scratched his 7 month old son, and after the cat attacked his family and cornered them in their own house, the man is debating what he’s going to do with the cat.


What he’s going to do.

With the cat. 

Pictured: The Goober Solution


  1. Local reports are that they are all going to have a good round of therapy- for the cat, a chance at catharsis, for the parents a few antidepressants to deal with the PTSD, for the kid, eventual therapy because he was sired by a ludicrous beta male who can't even be the apex predator in his own house.

    I partially define my fatherhood as the fact that there are no upper limits to what I am willing to attempt in defense of my family. You folks are all awesome, but I'll burn the whole world if I have to (strongly prefer not!) in defense of my family. I've stood helpless in the hospital when my boy was 2 weeks old, because I can't stomp an infection, but a damn cat is something I can damn sure manage.

  2. Wolfman;

    Don't ever feel ashamed of that. I've written on here before about the male grief response (just search those words on the blog) and his urge to protect his family, and it is that very desire to burn the entire world down to protect your family, if need be, that caused us to rise to the level of apex predator to begin with.

    I do not believe that anyone other than a good father can understand the indescribable rage that is created when something threatens your offspring (yes, even an infection, and no, sometimes that does not lead to the most constructive behavior, but it is nothing to be ashamed of). I went hand to hand with a pissed off German Shepherd that had the goddamned gall and temerity to threaten my daughter once, and it ran away yipping as I screamed unholy things after it as it ran, the coward. If it had hung around for just 5 more seconds, I'd have gotten it in a proper headlock and it would have died that day.