Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I Get Mail... Nigerian Scammer Edition.

So I'm trying to sell my old boat on Craigslist  and as is so common, the scammers are coming at me like flies on a dog turd.  I got one that I just had to respond to.  He hasn't relied yet - I wonder why?  His parts are in italics...

“Thanks for the mail...”

Oh, man, no, thank YOU so much for your interest in my {insert product name here} that I’m trying to sell.  It’s people like you and your interest in ­{insert product name here} that really make the world go around.  I am also very impressed with how cordial and nice you’ve been in our correspondence. You use such big words in such improper locations that it is obvious to me that you are trying very hard to be polite and impress on me that fact.

“I will appreciate more pictures..” 

I have attached some of my favorite pictures to this sending.  One of them is of a mountain range.  I don’t know where it is, but man, do I ever want to go there some day.  Talk about beautiful.  The other one is of a bear with mange.  I fucking love that picture.  I don’t know why – just sort of shocking, I guess.

“I am ready to buy it now,” 

That, my good friend, is a ballsy move.  I’ve never met a man who is actually prepared to buy a {insert product name here} without even laying eyes on it or testing it out first to make sure that it {insert product specific function here} properly.  I’m so impressed that I’m thinking of just giving you the fucking thing without making you pay a dime. 

I’m not actually going to do that, just thinking about it.  Sort of like when you think about fucking your cousin and how it might be kind of fun, because she has really nice legs and a set of tits that you would normally be very attracted to, but aren’t really attracted to because they are attached to your cousin.  You just THINK about it, not that you’d ever actually do it. Am I right James?

“But due to the nature of my work,phone calls making and visiting of website are restricted but i squeezed
 out time to check this advert and send you an email regarding it.i would be glad to pay for it as soon as possible”

Boss is a real ball-buster, eh?  My boss is always hanging over my shoulder to make sure that I’m not phone calls making and also visiting of website all the time.  I know that visiting of website are restricted, but sometimes I just can’t help myself.  That’s actually how I found the bear with mange picture above.  I was on a conference call the other day with this guy who was trying to tell me how it was wrong that I had one of my guys drive a bulldozer through his house – well, he was nattering on about his house this, and his dead cat that and I just couldn’t listen to his inane bullshit anymore, so I went to this website that had these chicks on it that would…

Well, that’s probably not appropriate to discuss right now.  Moving on…

“ though i will not be available to come for an inspection due to my tight schedule.Kindly get back to me with the following questions below”

Four fucking questions?  Jesus H. tapdancing Christ, man, it’s just a {insert product name here} not a space shuttle for fuck’s sake.  Oh, okay, fine, I’ll do my best to answer your four stupid questions, but only because you’ve been so nice so far.

“1) What is the condition?”

This {insert product name here} is as good as new.  It {insert product function here} better than any {insert product name here} has ever {insert product function here}.  It will {insert product function here} you so {adverb} good that your {body part} will be {adverbing} for {period of time.}

“2) Are you the Owner?”

Ownership is such a grey-ish legal term, and is highly overrated.  Let’s just say that I’m the person who is currently in possession of this {insert product name here} and leave it at that.  I wouldn’t be asking a whole lot more questions about this if I were you.  You aren’t a cop, are you? 

“3) Pick up Location?”

An undisclosed location in the New Mexico Desert.  I will meet you at a pre-determined time and date in Tucson, at which point in time I will blind fold you and fit you with a set of those nifty Bose noise canceling headphones so you can’t hear anything, and I will drive you to the location where the {insert product name here} is located. 

“4) Please can you give me Any Bank Account to Proceed with the Payment As Soon As Possible?”

I don’t believe in bank accounts.  They have a number associated with them.  You have to get this number to buy or sell goods.  Sound familiar?  Can you say MARK OF THE BEAST? For my monetary needs, I deal exclusively in antique PEZ dispensers.  Come with the goods, and you’ll leave with a {insert product name here}. 

“I would be glad to make the payment immediately through Online banking Transfer  kindly get back to me with 
your Any Zero Account Balance. Number  or Any  Registered Bank Name and Registered Bank Acc. Info.  Address  For Me To Proceed With The Payment.”

Just ship me the PEZ dispensers and be in Tucson at 9:30 PM on Tuesday September 5th.  I will contact you there.  We don’t need to get the banks involved, am I right? 

“You need not to worry yourself about title transfer and shipment,i will instruct the shipping company to handle that”

I’m very glad that I need not be concerned with the title.  Load off my shoulders, man, thanks. 

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